your thong is hanging out like whoa
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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