Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
