If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's never too late to be topless.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
