im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
