You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
