god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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