I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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