i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
