if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She is in my trunk
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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