I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
