i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
