I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
