i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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