you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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