a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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