To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
