wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
