dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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