I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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