Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
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Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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