he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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