No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
