I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
