from now on my penis is your penis
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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