we're chasing vodka with high fives
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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