So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
