I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
