Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
