Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
