I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
