I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You took a bar mat shot.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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