I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i've created a new STD.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
