If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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