Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
