He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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