"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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