I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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