Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
