I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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