Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
They have beer where we have blood.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
