Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My balls are so social today.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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