I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
