Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
