apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
