4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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