Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Alive.
So much puke
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
