She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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