he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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