U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
