i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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