Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person