Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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