my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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