My first STD was from a foam party
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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