if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
