Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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