god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
