can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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