I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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